Chinese traditional, Ancient china, Mandarin Gown

For those who take their bar games seriously, sinking balls isn't so much a pastime as a life skill. The game of pool is a lot like life, including the pressure of dealing with that big blackness at the end through which salvation may be granted. The spotlight is on you and the pressure comes from the voices between your ears as well as the crowd chugging beers and jeering every mangled shot. Impress those tough-looking types around the table and tiptoe through the felt-lined etiquette minefield surrounding everybody's favourite pub sport with That's Shanghai's dos and don'ts of pool protocol.

DO:

Look Tough - It's all in the posturing. When waiting for your opponent to take a shot, place your legs shoulder-distance apart and grasp the cue with both hands near the top, resting it on the ground as you casually chalk up (the more pointed end is recommended). Your face should betray no emotion should your opponent effortlessly pots six balls in a row; fake a casual yawn even if you have just dropped a load.

Break Hard - Nothing screams 'amateur' like a puny break - except of course directly shanking the cue ball into the side pocket. Spreading your legs wide, lean forward over the table and crack the cue ball into the frame (or the rack of balls should you speak American) with one swift, fluid motion. Imagine impaling a tender piglet on a blunt spear, or for our vegetarian friends picture puncturing a tofu piglet. You get the idea.

Pot Like a Poseur - Impressing beer girls surely ranks high on the pool-player's list of priorities. Go for that tricky behind-the-back shot and listen as the lovelies gasp in admiration. To be sure the gasps aren't those of horror, just be sure that you have sunk your own ball. But remember that the worst impression you can leave is a big old rip on that expensive felt. Ouch.

Exude Magnanimity - After all, it's only a game. Congratulate your opponent on their hard-won victory with a firm, manly handshake and commiserate a bested adversary in similar fashion. A celebratory lap of the bar with arms outstretched will not be well received; nor will a cue cracking "I am so much better than that guy" temper tantrum. Strike the pose you want for your monument - in your mind's eye only.

DON'T

Shoot Your Mouth Off - Bragging of outstanding ability before the break is an easy route to excruciating embarrassment after it. Likewise, augmenting your smoothest moves with an ad hoc running commentary will likely try the patience of the most forbearing foe.

Try Mind Games - If you can't play nice¡­ Coughing loudly or releasing a gas barrage as the other fellow takes his shot just isn't cricket. It is, however, a swift route to a more inopportune injury at the hands of an irate inebriate. Attempt at your peril and be prepared for a speedy exit.

Blast Your Balls - Breaking excepted, knocking the stuffing out of the white is not the gentleman's style of play. Not only will a heavy hand devastate your aim and squander your shot, but sending a bakelite billiard ball barrelling into a gaggle of spectators may hit a different kind of ball causing critical injury. It's also the express route to the pool suicide of unintentionally sinking the eight ball. Gently does it.

Take Your Own Cue - unless you know how to use it. That ivory tipped, custom-crafted 'Predator Pro' may look pretty, but break it out in a crowded bar and a poor performance will just make you look silly. (Interesting how most of these tips are also appropriate for matters of intimacy.) Play for fun, play for money or play for prestige¡­ just don't take yourself too seriously, eh? Now rack 'em up.

Where To Go for Free Pool¡­ Malone's - Winner of the that's Shanghai 'Best Pool Table' award.
Shanghai Sally's - Home to one of the most popular tourneys in town. Speedwell - Relatively undiscovered pool paradise on Dongping